listening pleasure

Here are some jams that are on my playlist at the moment.  I love these tracks since my bday is this Monday and it's all about feeling good! Feeling blessed for family and friends and a chance to celebrate! Enjoy!




1. I Feel Good - Mary J Blige; well said, Mary
"...like the moon is shining jus for me...tonight I'm fly as I can be...don't u try to bring me down though...it's not like you could...I feel too damn good!"
2. Holdin' You Down - Jazmine Sullivan; the throwback feelgood track
3. Champagne Life - Ne-yo; a cause for sharing a bday toast
4. Bottoms Up - Trey Songz ft. Nicky Minaj; another dancing track
5. No Hands - Waka Flocka Flames; a jam to get me into that dancing groove!

listening pleasure

One of my top 5 right now...plus, he's kinda cute. LOL. Bruno Mars - Talking to the Moon. Enjoy!

poetry session

Across Your Bread
-Jill Scott, from 'The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours; The Poetry of Jill Scott'




I'm juss gon say what I need to
Juss gon put it on the table
And spread it across your bread


As much as I didn't want
I have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love with every molecule of
you


The walk on you
The way you out then in breathe
Simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my knees beggin' to part
I do (shaking my head up and down)
I do
love everything about you
All that makes you you
And what I do not know, I swear I will love too
If you just show me


I know it's crazy but I swear
My heart doesn't pump blood
When you are not near me
I juss walk my way through life comatose
'Till I hear my name in your key
I juss stay
Hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what I got
Cool for me to give you what I keep
Cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples
And the pears but you don't
             Won't
Accept it then accept it then return it
My logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
My feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing


Don't you see?
I'm willing
            Willing
To go that extra continent
            Willing
To carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
I am placing myself on the table
Spreading myself across your bread
So, say something
It's your move

poetry session

Speechless - Part I
It's not very often that I'm left without words to say. Times like these I try to immerse myself with others' poetry - one's that inspire me.




If I Was A Bird
-Floetry, from the album "Floetic"




Sometimes blindness finds me
And leads me through ignorance
Not allowing us to gain experience
So we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
Self pity or work aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
But never fulfill my possibility so
Mostly I attempt to achieve balance
By seeking right knowledge of loving
And reviewing and eventually overstanding those
Many lessons of my life


You got me caught in a starry eyed world of dreams
And I beg to see truth and promises you made to me
Now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
With you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly


If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain


Now why do I feel so alone
Knowing I know I have you
And what made you turn around on me
What did I do
And when did love feel this way
So much pain and misery
Where’s the you I once knew
And could ya fly with me


If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain


Now I can’t stay
You won’t need me
Set me free and let me fly

poetry session

Be Around



We’ve reached a place where finally
It’s comforting to me –
Our level of comfortability
We’ve reached a higher form of familiarity
And negativity has made its way out the door
(For the time being)
‘Cause I just want to be around you more
Sense and sensibility, in unison, form
Better times and places for our memories to record
My perception and ability to see the world
In all its beauty and clarity
Reveal how life is really supposed to be
And magnifies itself whenever you’re around me


‘Cause I just want to be around you more
To feel your warm, vibrant radiance more
The minutes and hours of distance
I’m no longer keeping score
Because we’re finally face to face in this instance
Your presence presents me with ways
To try and get you to stay
To prolong our present situation more
An implication towards
Communicating our emotions more
Translating our affection more
Re-enacting our fantasies more


Being around you
Makes me feel whole
Even when I’ve already felt complete before
It’s impossible for me
To over analyze your motives
'Cause my usual hesitation hasn’t yet materialized
Instead
We complement and harmonize
Articulate and verbalize
In ways that I never knew was possible
And I am grateful, for your whole being invites
A new and better part of me to be realized


So I invite you
To be around me more
Dig deeper and peel back my layers more
My vulnerability isn’t a factor anymore
Because I hope
I trust
I love
That you'll be around me more.


-j.sanjuan

poetry session

Poet’s Block (Weary)


I used to write
So free
Uncensored
From the heart
But now I feel
Worlds apart


I need pretense and honesty
Strength and vulnerability
Tragedy and triumph
A feeling or obstacle
To overcome


I need and crave
Inspiration
Tribulation
Altercations and situations
To revive my inner thoughts
My quick stinging words
And long lasting poet prose.


Do you suppose
You got what I’m looking for?


-j.sanjuan

poetry session

This poem I wrote a long time ago and I've just decided to post now (thanks to someone who reminded me to do so long time ago).  Here it is for those of you who haven't read this.  For those of you who already have, thank you for enjoying it just one more time!  My inspiration for this piece - Behind every good man is a good woman.


Put Aside



You and I
Both struggle
In this complicated, criminal
Orchestrated, subliminal
Situation and
World condition
But I ask you to put them aside


Let’s put aside
Our personal revolutions
And revitalize
The memory
On what it’s like to feel alive
What it’s like to strive towards
Escapism from our reality
And instead revel in each others personality
Physicality
Sexuality


Because now I’m seeing you
Happen to pass me by
In your safe space
And it’s commonplace
For me to be leery
But instead I’m face to face
With your state of mentality
I no longer relate
To the feeling of being weary
You instigate
Stimulate certain ways of behaving
You conjure up
Emotions of yearning and aching
Your vibe and swagger
Permeate my skin
I’m no longer in my normal state of being.


So put aside your struggle
Entice and incite your mental
Thoughts of trying to visualize and
Internalize ways to further capsize
My personal
Physical
Sexual
Space
Undertake to slow down my quickness
Sample and taste my sweetness
Aim to penetrate my thickness
Separate and create miles between my pelvis
Take refuge
Put aside your day-to-day
Rest easy
Because once this moment leaves me


Eagerly
Take up your struggle once more
Fervently
Take on your soldier revolutionary cause
In which you were born
But know that
I’ll be there to sustain you
Hold you down and maintain you
To help put aside what ails you
In your constant struggle.


j. san juan

poetry session

Absence



I could sit here and constantly
Think about how things could be
Desire and crave for moments
That weren’t meant for our destiny
I could incessantly wish for you to be here with me
And intermittently lust for you intimately
But really, I’m just venting out emotionally
‘Cause regrettably you left me so restless see
That I’m questioning my own identity



But that’s gon change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



Sure I can give myself permission
To mourn our loss of connection
The sudden missing manifestation
Of two minds, two hearts, two souls in relations
Our conceptualization and realization
Undergoing the sudden decimation of another lifetime
Could it have been that my imagination
Conjured up hallucinations of former “star crossed lovers” having suicidal contemplations
No, this isn’t my account for a tragic narration
Instead it’s motivation to express my hurt in poetic translation
‘Cause I find that my memory does serve me right
How else could I have stumbled upon these lyrics to write
And somehow find solace for my ill-treated self-identification



But that’s gon change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



I will come back eventually
And regain focus resiliently
Ultimately
Instead of ME
Wishing I was there with YOU -
Mind.
Heart.
Body.
Spirit.
Soul.
Ideally
You’d be missing ME
Wishing you’d have ME
My mind.
My heart.
My body.
My spirit.
My soul.
To have experienced and challenged my mentality bold
To have your senses awakened and to alertly hone
In on what you could have been missin’
To look into my eyes and see the intensity it holds
To feel my heart pounding and the emotion it pours
To caress my skin, smooth, warm, beautiful with golden brown tones
To recognize and acknowledge the profound Philippine ancestry it bestows
To hold you in my arms and absorb the poetry in my bones
To hear my voice and the melody it owns
To taste my lips that recite verses to which I was born
To incite and instill vivid thoughts strong enough to break creative molds
To unify in my spiritual space with the One God I extol



To only find out that destiny manufactures its very own goals
To never see the fruition of these fantasies unfold
Strangely though
I still see ME
Rising above my melancholy
While simultaneously
Searching for traces of sentimentality
The scarcity of your presence
Affects me deeply to the core
Like a part of me is missing
And is yearning to be whole
But one thing’s for certain
And two thing’s for sure
That no matter how many times I battle back and forth
With the idea of you caring for me, you wanting me, and you needing me
Versus
The idea of you feeling the contrary for me
As much as I want to contradict that scheme of things
As much as I want to rebuild defensive walls of negativity
I know better than to go down that road



I know that this will change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
As one great woman said, “I’m a woman phenomenally,
Phenomenal Woman, that’s me”
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



j. san juan

"what's in a name?...

...that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

-Romeo & Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

growing up, I've had a lot names.

depending on who you were, my names would range from baby june, junie, junester, jazz, jazzy etc. the evolution of nicknames was a direct result of hating my name when i was a little girl. there was no one else out there that had my name! why did my parents have to name me after a month?! because, even til this very day, i always get asked if my birthday is in the month of june. (really? really!) And even still, whenever i see a nametag stand displayed in a souvenir shop, there is never a 'june' tag. always a 'jane', 'joan', 'judy'...never a 'june'.

take a peek at this brief evolution.

baby june: i've always thought that this name was given to me for the sole purpose of embarrassment. but then, looking back now, i was a 'baby' growing up. i would whine whenever my brother and sister would bother me. i used to always cry whenever i'd get my picture taken. in fact, i would cry about everything. hey, it's not my fault. once you're given a moniker, you tend to live up to it. so there you go.

june/junie: after a while, i seemed to grow out of baby june. obviously during early childhood and pre-teen years. so rightfully, i asked my parents to drop the 'baby' part, and simply be called 'june'. and with that, came the endearing 'ie' at the end of every one syllable name - hence, junie. more fittingly given by my sister. but even then, i could still not escape 'baby june'. i would hear it whenever my mom and my aunts would get together and talk about us - my sister, brother, myself and my cousins. and every now and then 'baby june' would slip out. oh well, at least they weren't calling me 'baby june' in front of my school friends anymore.

jazz/jazzy: aaah, high school. after moving from winnipeg, manitoba to surrey, bc, i had a chance to finally reinvent myself. to finally escape the made-up reactions in my own mind that people would get whenever i would introduce myself as 'june'. So you see, i've always had a fascination with the name 'jasmine'. and during this time i had met one of my best, long-time friends, randy. i told him my alias (after sneakily bringing up the subject of nicknames) and he then rebuked back, "that name doesn't suit you." well, great....who asked you! but after cutting the name in half, he started calling me 'jazz' and miraculously the name stuck. so for those of you that know me by 'jazz', you can thank my best friend randy for that!

at last! i had a cool name! i would revel in the feeling of meeting new friends in grade 8 and taking in their reaction whenever i would introduce myself as 'jazz'. "hey, that's a cool name", "i like your name". i loved it. throughout high school up until now, those particular people who are my long time friends still call me jazz. i even met my husband in grade 8, started dating in grade 12 and til this day, and he still calls me jazz. i even carried jazz all the way up to college.

then, motherhood came along. so i wasn't meeting as many new people like i did during my adolescent and college years. a couple more years past by and after my 2 boys were at a certain age, i had decided to go back to school. mind you, at this stage in life, i somewhat matured and didn't want to have to explain myself anymore as to 'how i got the name jazz when my name is june'. so i reverted back to june, just to save myself from the explanation. then, came graduation, i landed a job and all of this happened surprisingly with me feeling a bit more comfortable with my given name now.

then a few years later, something called social networking came about. it was only then that these nicknames started to catch up to me. the obvious question was 'what name do i post myself as'? oh no. i knew at some point i would have to suck it up and finally accept it. filling out my profile information - NAME: ("just grin and bear it") JUNE SAN JUAN. phew....there i did it. i knew that friend requests would probably come in hesitantly, but to quickly resolve that problem, there came the profile pic. done and done!!!!

then something happened that shook my world. and changed the way i looked at things forever. on june 22, 2007, i got the dreaded call that my dad had passed away in the philippines. my dad had been estranged from my mother, myself and my siblings for quite some time. so upon getting the news, i really didn't know what to say, or how to react. i was already at peace with the fact that he left us years ago, and that i had already created a life of my own. i harboured no more anger towards him. but at the same time, i had no other affection towards him either, other than those created during my childhood years.

upon reflecting on his life, i came to the realization why i was called baby june.

-a picture of my dad at age 21, in the Philippines. on the bottom left, the last family photo ever taken of us, back in 1998.

my dad's full name was Angelo S. Jimenez Jr. but my relatives, cousins, and family friends would always call him Tito Jun. tito for uncle in filipino, and jun for the fact that he was a junior. and jun - without the 'e'. as a little girl growing up, i never questioned it - why his real name was different from what family would call him. but in his case, this was not an identity crisis. his nickname actually made sense.

One year before i was born, my mom had successfully brought my dad over from the philippines to start a new life. with the difficulties of sponsorship and immigration, my older sister had been only about 3 years old once my dad came and settled in. And after 9 months after he settled in, i was born. since my dad had been there to witness my mom's pregnancy and birth with me, he felt it fitting that i be called June - with the 'e'. and even more appropriate, 'baby june'.

who would have thought that upon grieving the death of my father, i would come full circle with the 'issues' i had with my name. not only did i have a lasting connection with him that i didn't realize was there all along, i also felt that i could now embrace my name endearingly, fully and completely.

instead of cringing whenever i would overhear my mom call me 'baby june' while talking to my aunts, i would warm up inside and smile to myself. and quite recently when i would email my aunt about what's going on with my family, i would lovingly place at the end of the message,"Love, Baby June". and you have to admit, how many other 'June''s do you know out there? it's quite unique and rare, i would say.

so there you go. that's the story of my name and why i have so many of them. mind you, i find all my names endearing. so those of you who know me as 'jazz', can continue to call me 'jazz'. and those of you who know me as 'june', well, of course there it is.

but i'm sorry to say, my birthday is STILL NOT IN JUNE!!!!

happy weekend!

beautiful struggle

i don't know what it is about struggle. today i found out some news that really struck me to my core and saddened my heart. some news that really hit home, as i went though something quite similar. but i won't go too far into it, out of respect for that particular someone.


i don't know what it is about struggle. so much anger. tears. frustration. doubt. hopelessness. speechlessness.


i don't know what it is about struggle. but i know that in this (women in particular) beautiful stuggle, we know how to overcome it.


to that particular someone - i cry for you, i pray for you, and i love you. and the only way i know how to relieve so much of these mixed emotions is to write. but please know that i am here to help you rise above it. because we are women. daughters of God. we draw strength from each other. the road may seem dark and mournful. but there is light. there is a glimmer that seems to fight its way through for you.


i don't know what it is about struggle. but it makes us women phenomenal.




Phenomenal Woman
-by Dr. Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

speechless...

life experience dictates what i write. mostly about love. hurt. struggle. the ability to rise above. but the one and only thing that i can never ever have the perfect words for is to describe how it is to watch my 2 boys grow up.

-isaiah & reece, age 4 & 3 (2004)

as much as i try, there are never enough words to try to explain what they mean to me...

-isaiah, age 5 (2005)

-reece, age 4 (2005)

...and at the same time they are everything.

-reece & isaiah, age 6 & 8 (2008)

sometimes, i have to remind myself to just relax and enjoy the moment. as i realize, it won't last very long. they grow up so fast right before my eyes.

-isaiah, age 10, present day

-reece, age 8, present day

i just have to put down my pen....

...and watch.

..and simply, that is enough. :)

my other new found hobby.

card making. i stumbled across this new form of 'therapy' on the hunt for making invitations. had i realized what i was getting into, there would have been warning signs along the way. this was a whole new world waiting for me. for instance, i never thought that i would spend hours upon hours inside a scrapbook shop that had nothing but paper inside it. and upon leaving the store, with a huge stack of card stock and patterned paper, i then wondered to myself what the hell am i gonna DO with all this paper?

with the guidance of my sis-in-law (you have unleashed a monster), and taking a few card making classes, i soon got the hang of it. here are some of my creations. enjoy!!

this set was a result have having an idea for boys' bday cards.

the next few series was from a couple card classes i took. big thanks to colleen, my instructor for all the ideas!

again, cards that i made from a card class with the same instructor. colleen, you rock! its nice to have this set of cards laying around, having 2 boys myself, really helps!

a poetess...

stemming from years of writing, as mentioned in my previous post, i naturally became somewhat of a poetess. here are some of my most treasured poetry books inspired and written by two of my favorite singer/songwriters. also fellow poets.


Jill Scott - The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours - The Poetry of Jill Scott.
-featured excerpts from Introduction and 'I Will Write'


Alicia Keys - tears for water - songbook of poems & lyrics
-featured excerpt - caged bird

Dedicated to my muse......

my first post! congratulations to myself are in order! i never really would thought that i would ever start a blog. given that i always sort of kept my personal thoughts and feelings to myself. but as of late, i've been trying to find a means to stay creative in which ever way i can. and since writing really is one of my first loves, it was a gradual and organic transition for me. something that comes naturally.

but i would like to dedicate my first post to 'the muse'. every creative mind has a muse. i, for one, have always been in tune with my 'journalling self', even at age 11 when i first started writing in journals/diaries. and being that 11 year old self, i started writing about a boy. school boy crushes - really an appropriate muse for any pre-teen little girl. as insignificant as this may seem looking back now, without my muse, i would have never discovered my love for writing.

but now, i have a variety of muses. (see 'about me'). and i look forward to sharing about them in the near future.

so to all muses out there, you keep us creative folk going. person, place or thing. whoever you are. whatever you are. wherever you are. whether or not you realize you are one or not. you are a constant inspiration! thank you!