poetry session

Absence



I could sit here and constantly
Think about how things could be
Desire and crave for moments
That weren’t meant for our destiny
I could incessantly wish for you to be here with me
And intermittently lust for you intimately
But really, I’m just venting out emotionally
‘Cause regrettably you left me so restless see
That I’m questioning my own identity



But that’s gon change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



Sure I can give myself permission
To mourn our loss of connection
The sudden missing manifestation
Of two minds, two hearts, two souls in relations
Our conceptualization and realization
Undergoing the sudden decimation of another lifetime
Could it have been that my imagination
Conjured up hallucinations of former “star crossed lovers” having suicidal contemplations
No, this isn’t my account for a tragic narration
Instead it’s motivation to express my hurt in poetic translation
‘Cause I find that my memory does serve me right
How else could I have stumbled upon these lyrics to write
And somehow find solace for my ill-treated self-identification



But that’s gon change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



I will come back eventually
And regain focus resiliently
Ultimately
Instead of ME
Wishing I was there with YOU -
Mind.
Heart.
Body.
Spirit.
Soul.
Ideally
You’d be missing ME
Wishing you’d have ME
My mind.
My heart.
My body.
My spirit.
My soul.
To have experienced and challenged my mentality bold
To have your senses awakened and to alertly hone
In on what you could have been missin’
To look into my eyes and see the intensity it holds
To feel my heart pounding and the emotion it pours
To caress my skin, smooth, warm, beautiful with golden brown tones
To recognize and acknowledge the profound Philippine ancestry it bestows
To hold you in my arms and absorb the poetry in my bones
To hear my voice and the melody it owns
To taste my lips that recite verses to which I was born
To incite and instill vivid thoughts strong enough to break creative molds
To unify in my spiritual space with the One God I extol



To only find out that destiny manufactures its very own goals
To never see the fruition of these fantasies unfold
Strangely though
I still see ME
Rising above my melancholy
While simultaneously
Searching for traces of sentimentality
The scarcity of your presence
Affects me deeply to the core
Like a part of me is missing
And is yearning to be whole
But one thing’s for certain
And two thing’s for sure
That no matter how many times I battle back and forth
With the idea of you caring for me, you wanting me, and you needing me
Versus
The idea of you feeling the contrary for me
As much as I want to contradict that scheme of things
As much as I want to rebuild defensive walls of negativity
I know better than to go down that road



I know that this will change momentarily
‘Cause I’m not the type to drown in vulnerability
As one great woman said, “I’m a woman phenomenally,
Phenomenal Woman, that’s me”
‘Cause my mother’s strength is passed down to me
All women’s struggles inspire me
To stop wallowing in my own self pity



j. san juan