poetry session

Allure

The allure of it all

Can render you

Suddenly defenseless

Knock you down swiftly

Before you even realize

You’re trying desperately

Grabbing anything to break your fall

‘Cause you’re left shocked and

Utterly senseless

When the allure wears off

You’re suddenly aware that

All this time

You thought you were flying so high

Seeing the world in all its’ hues and bright lights

That all the while

It’s always been black and white

And you were really only a hair length’s shy

Away from the concrete solid ground

When the allure dies down

You’re left with picking up the pieces

A thousand million fragments

Of yourself

Wondering if and hoping that he’s hurting

Equally and better yet at the same magnitude

As yourself

The allure of it all

Can make you feel like

You’d accept any and every reason

To try and keep your hopes alive

When all this time

He’s already balled up his fist

All set to end it

Ready to hit

And you’re bracing for the sting

‘Cause what ultimately strikes you blind

Is the very thing

That both of you were trying to escape

In the first place

Is the bittersweet reality without you called life

-j.sanjuan

listening pleasure

"I wish nothing but the best for you..."

listening pleasure

 It's the first heavy, rainy day in Vancouver to mark that Fall is here!


I'm working from home today, and lucky that I don't have to commute in the downpour.


This is what I listen to when I'm at work--at home.  Enjoy!


Happy Thursday!

listening pleasure

R.I.P. Tupac - 15 years - still missed, still loved. :)

poetry session

You Could Be




You could be so many things to me


You could be my new beginning
My light, my answer
The end to my selfish living


You could be my motivation
My inspiration
My chance to set things in motion


You could be my equal
My counterpart, my vision
The purpose for my creation


You could have me smilin’
Laughin’, cryin’, cursin’
Believin’ in the end that it’s all worth it


You could have me singing to myself
And floating off the ground
And not worry about how I sound, whatever


You could have me writing books, flying off the shelf
Because you inspire me enough
To just wanna write something down, however


You could more appropriately be
The muse to my poetry
The personification to my thoughts


You could be my verse
The last phrase, the last word
My title, my priority, significantly on top


You could be my calm
The pulse breaking my monotony
Or the peace to my distraught


You could be my prayer
The one to help face my fear
Because you are everything that I am not


You could be my all
You could be my everything
You could be part of something revolutionary


You could be my love
You could be the one
But painstakingly enough


You could be all the things in a man
That I could ever want
You could be so many things to me…..
But you’re not.




-j.sanjuan

listening pleasure

It's a Frank Ocean type of Sunday.....not one....



...but two songs for your enjoyment!!

listening pleasure

Such an amazing message. I hope you enjoy and take this poem to heart like I do. :)

poetry session

(Untitled)




I am trying to redefine my filter
I should try to endeavor to unmask my emotions
For times when I would rather
Say what I feel
And do what I find positively necessary
To capture a moment and save it
Relish it, taste it
Take pleasure in
Delight in
These short-lived distinctive rarities


For example
It’s the times when instead of casually approaching you
I would normally evoke a sense of coolness and integrity
You greeting me in the same manner ever so nonchalantly
Like “Hey, what’s up…how you been…what you been up to lately”…
I would then instantly
Pick up my stride at just
The sight of you patiently waiting
For my arrival
Enable me
To grasp your hand
Clasp onto and lace your fingers
Embrace and keep a steadfast hold of your stature
And linger……………………………………………
Delay my release
P.D.A. garners no apologies
While I passionately kiss you and make you wish
You’d never missed me


But the keyword here is “trying”
In the course of my redefining
I’m finding it’s harder for the aligning
Of my words and actions to become one and the same
Because I guess my pride still gets in the way
And I know one day there will be a time
When all this talk becomes streamlined with my mind
And actions start to materialize
While my filter starts to desensitize


For example
It’s the times when instead of casually saying good-bye to you
I would normally seem like I’d be ok
And I could handle myself when you’re away
Like “Take care of yourself……you too……I’ll see you again someday”
I would then instantly
Honestly and genuinely
Look into your eyes and say
And admit that yes…
I…WILL…miss…you
I truly and already do
And I’d smile...gently and flirtatiously
Look into your eyes
And unmask the softness in your disguise
As you reciprocate to reply
I. Will. Miss. You. Too.
We would grasp our hands
Clasp onto and lace our fingers
And we would embrace
And allow it to linger………………………………………
Delay our release
Because my non-filter
Garners no apologies
To never regret and miss these opportunities
Versus an alternate reality
Where my filter would alternately just hesitate and let it be


But wait………………
Maybe I’m just subconsciously speaking
Maybe realizing
And perhaps rationalizing that
I personally
Would rather us just positively
Mean what we say,
And say what we mean
Wouldn’t it be easier that way?
From the very beginning
Without hesitating
And thinking about whether or not we’re filtering
Our emotions
Because wouldn’t it all just be preconceived notions
Trying to fight its way to the surface
I mean
If we are who we say we are
And be who we say we’ll be
In favorable times and also in times of need
There should be no need for a series of contrived happenings
It should all just come naturally
Simply
From the heart
And it should translate in our actions so effortlessly
I don’t know, maybe
I should start
To question why I NEED to have filters
Or why I need to redefine them so relevantly
I just want to do whatever is necessary
To become unforgettable, see
Possibly
It’s because I feel you slipping away from me
And this is my mind trying to re-enact moments
Where I could have done or said things a little differently


Well, I just hope that whatever the case maybe
Filter or no filter
That we continue to strive to do from our heart
Speak with our mind
Connect with our soul
From start to demise
Whenever we begin to toe the line
Let it not be a question on whether or not we used our filters
Whether we did enough to paint that perfect picture
But rather
It’s how we let these moments define us
And the way we endure
To write our scripture




-j.sanjuan

conversations - comfort in nostalgia

For the past couple days now, I've been as sick as a dog.  It couldn't have come at a worse time because I'm on call this week.  My job has this rotating shift that about once a month, I'm given the "privilege" of working 1-9pm AND having the 24 hour emergency phones for assisting corporate clients.  Needless to say, there was no way for me to call in sick, or switch shifts with anyone.  The only solution was to work from home, so as not to contaminate any of my co-workers and spread around my germy germs around the office.


Yesterday morning, as I was laying in bed (sleepless might I add), I got to thinking that yes, I could see why I had come down with this cold.  I've been stressed out lately with work and dealing with a few personal issues that I'm finding hard to shake.  And every time I get bogged down with these kinds of stresses, it only becomes a matter of time before I catch something.  So, as I was feeling sorry for myself (lol), I managed to fall in and out of a light sleep.


What happened next was quite surprising.  Every once in a while, my mom comes by my house to visit my 2 boys.  She does this especially during this past summer vacation, to keep them company and to take them out for a walk at the park across the street.  So, it was no surprise to hear her stroll into my house.  But usually, she gives me my space.  We chat for a bit, maybe have some lunch and then she leaves.  Well, today, instead of giving me my space, she slowly enters my room, sees me wrapped up from head to toe in my blanket with my hoodie on (because it's freezing cold in my world, whereas it's still 22C outside)  and asks me, "What's wrong with my baby?"


I don't know what it is, but here I was, a sick 32-year-old woman, feeling like I was 5 years old again, instantly feeling comforted by the soothing sounds of my mother's voice.  She then puts her icy cold hand on my head to feel my temperature and lastly, kisses my forehead, as if to make everything seem better.


Now, I don't care how old you are, but those kinds of gestures can make my self-pitying 32-year-old ass turn around and instantly get out of my rut!  There's something about a mother's touch--whether she knows what's going on with you or not, she knows when to say and do the right things to make you feel better.  And there are absolutely no words to fully express my gratitude for her being there at the right time.  All I could say were the unjustly words, "thanks mom".  Then she let me take a short nap before getting up just before 1pm to start pounding away on my computer at home for work.


As much as moments like the one I described can take you back to your childhood, at the same time, it speaks volumes.  It's comforting.  After I woke up from my nap, and eating a light lunch, I started plugging away at work for what seemed like an hour or so.  I started to notice something quite profound.  My mother started to just randomly do chores around my house;  chores that weren't really necessary, such as trying to wash and scrape off the charred, baked on "stuff" on the small toaster-oven baking sheet, for example.  To you and I, it could easily be remedied my going out and buying a new baking sheet, or for the more lazy approach, covering the sheet with aluminum foil if ever you needed to use it. (Ha ha)


But no, my mother viewed it as just something to do, perhaps. The reason I saw this as profound, was because I have vivid memories of my late grandmother doing the EXACT same thing while she came to stay with us from Winnipeg (or the Philippines depending on the time of year).  My mother would be doing her own thing having a moment to herself, while I was doing the same thing then as I was doing now--noticing.  Noticing my mother do the same things that my grandmother used to do kind of made me think.  And again, I felt comforted by that very simple act.  I really have no rhyme or reason as to what this could all mean.  Or why I saw it as profound.  But I would rather not analyze, to be honest.  It just speaks to me, that's all.  Possibly, it's a sign of the times because that could very well be me 20/30/40 years from now.  It could also mean that maybe I'm also sensing my grandmother's presence as well during my down-trodden phase.  Who knows. 


All I know, is that once in a while, you need to look around you, appreciate those little gestures of caring that only a mother, or grandmother can give.  It just amazes me how the maternal instinct works.  Like I said, whatever you might be going through, and how far deep you're into it, mothers seem to know when to come around and say "it's okay".  And that's all that needs to be said.  No pretense. No explanations.  Those two words, and even just their presence, are more than enough for me to make me feel better.  To make me get out of my personal unfavorable phase.  (Or at least after this Benelin wears off).  :)