poetry session

(Untitled)




I am trying to redefine my filter
I should try to endeavor to unmask my emotions
For times when I would rather
Say what I feel
And do what I find positively necessary
To capture a moment and save it
Relish it, taste it
Take pleasure in
Delight in
These short-lived distinctive rarities


For example
It’s the times when instead of casually approaching you
I would normally evoke a sense of coolness and integrity
You greeting me in the same manner ever so nonchalantly
Like “Hey, what’s up…how you been…what you been up to lately”…
I would then instantly
Pick up my stride at just
The sight of you patiently waiting
For my arrival
Enable me
To grasp your hand
Clasp onto and lace your fingers
Embrace and keep a steadfast hold of your stature
And linger……………………………………………
Delay my release
P.D.A. garners no apologies
While I passionately kiss you and make you wish
You’d never missed me


But the keyword here is “trying”
In the course of my redefining
I’m finding it’s harder for the aligning
Of my words and actions to become one and the same
Because I guess my pride still gets in the way
And I know one day there will be a time
When all this talk becomes streamlined with my mind
And actions start to materialize
While my filter starts to desensitize


For example
It’s the times when instead of casually saying good-bye to you
I would normally seem like I’d be ok
And I could handle myself when you’re away
Like “Take care of yourself……you too……I’ll see you again someday”
I would then instantly
Honestly and genuinely
Look into your eyes and say
And admit that yes…
I…WILL…miss…you
I truly and already do
And I’d smile...gently and flirtatiously
Look into your eyes
And unmask the softness in your disguise
As you reciprocate to reply
I. Will. Miss. You. Too.
We would grasp our hands
Clasp onto and lace our fingers
And we would embrace
And allow it to linger………………………………………
Delay our release
Because my non-filter
Garners no apologies
To never regret and miss these opportunities
Versus an alternate reality
Where my filter would alternately just hesitate and let it be


But wait………………
Maybe I’m just subconsciously speaking
Maybe realizing
And perhaps rationalizing that
I personally
Would rather us just positively
Mean what we say,
And say what we mean
Wouldn’t it be easier that way?
From the very beginning
Without hesitating
And thinking about whether or not we’re filtering
Our emotions
Because wouldn’t it all just be preconceived notions
Trying to fight its way to the surface
I mean
If we are who we say we are
And be who we say we’ll be
In favorable times and also in times of need
There should be no need for a series of contrived happenings
It should all just come naturally
Simply
From the heart
And it should translate in our actions so effortlessly
I don’t know, maybe
I should start
To question why I NEED to have filters
Or why I need to redefine them so relevantly
I just want to do whatever is necessary
To become unforgettable, see
Possibly
It’s because I feel you slipping away from me
And this is my mind trying to re-enact moments
Where I could have done or said things a little differently


Well, I just hope that whatever the case maybe
Filter or no filter
That we continue to strive to do from our heart
Speak with our mind
Connect with our soul
From start to demise
Whenever we begin to toe the line
Let it not be a question on whether or not we used our filters
Whether we did enough to paint that perfect picture
But rather
It’s how we let these moments define us
And the way we endure
To write our scripture




-j.sanjuan