I heard once that The right person At the wrong time Is still the wrong person. Missing you worsens. But missing you doesn't warrant Deserving to be with you. Neither does it mean That you miss me too.
He is… Just the right Kind of man to Pique my curiosity and Make steady my interest He exudes this quiet confidence That lends itself perfectly to my Laid back, breezy intelligence Influences an abundance of instances To showcase and present Mental Physical Sexual indulgence Over and over and over again….. He possesses Just the right blend Of mentality By trying to be A better man Manifesting and maintaining A confident, rough yet Mature swag While Simultaneously transcending Over former Failings and shortcomings Physically His man-ness and virility commands Me to let go of all my insecurities Because his sensibility allows me To safely trust him entirely and completely Sexually He takes me on a journey Motivates my senses Satiates my quench And appetency With great consideration In the utmost unchaste nature and disposition Instigating conversations in Erotically infused obscenities Translating me to involuntarily Saturate my wet sweetly Yet he intently Studies my geography Intimately grazes over The rolling hills of my hips The dip in my waist The hollow in my spine And the rigid rise of my mountain tips Hands making his trip Back to my steady thighs and moistened ripened lips Vying to penetrate Complying to take Each thrust that is made Savoring the extensiveness That his thickness maintains Engaging and repaying back Each pleasurable twitch with rain Over and over and over again….. And once climax and orgasm Are finally met The rapture subsides I center myself to catch a breath
I recognize That he is…
Just the right Kind of man That I Can visualize To have in my life He continuously Challenges my mind And therefore sheds light For authenticity to be realized He is… So much more Than what I thought I knew In all honesty He is truth And with all that I know is in me With all that God has given me and created me to be It is more than enough proof And certainty To believe That I have the capacity To be his equal It almost seems quite spiritual To be in his space His love is made king With each kiss and every embrace Anything and everything Is made perfect in its place Because He is… Just the right Kind of man
I can immerse myself In the anger The grief and the melancholy That has suddenly Come over me And for a quick moment I can concede to feel The burn The ache The injury I can keep Wondering Prolonging Feeding My insecure anxieties Carry on My heartache and sadness Accept defeat and Smile through the madness Embrace the fear Cause the moment I thought Would never come Is finally here I welcome its arrival Adapt to the atmosphere Hospitality never felt so Cold and insincere
I haven't been able to stop talking or thinking about this since I saw this last night. This right here -- makes me fall in love with hip hop all over again. All I can say is WOW. See for yourselves and get familiar.
Seeing that We both made Our choices And there simply is No turning back The fact of the matter remains I’m still pained By your departure
And I can surely start To slowly walk away But You saw me in ways Others couldn’t possibly Understand Yet here I stand Looking over our grave Mourning over something That we couldn’t possibly save
…Resting In Peace
And while I still feel The emptiness and heartache I will only take away with me Moments where you unfailingly Made me feel so elated and free Appreciated for being me And for that I will always be Eternally grateful
So in ending I’m lending you my apologies For leading us down this road To inevitability And the only way for me To amend my iniquities To redeem and do right by our memory Is to never cease and keep
I am trying to redefine my filter I should try to endeavor to unmask my emotions For times when I would rather Say what I feel And do what I find positively necessary To capture a moment and save it Relish it, taste it Take pleasure in Delight in These short-lived distinctive rarities
For example It’s the times when instead of casually approaching you I would normally evoke a sense of coolness and integrity You greeting me in the same manner ever so nonchalantly Like “Hey, what’s up…how you been…what you been up to lately”… I would then instantly Pick up my stride at just The sight of you patiently waiting For my arrival Enable me To grasp your hand Clasp onto and lace your fingers Embrace and keep a steadfast hold of your stature And linger…………………………………………… Delay my release P.D.A. garners no apologies While I passionately kiss you and make you wish You’d never missed me
But the keyword here is “trying” In the course of my redefining I’m finding it’s harder for the aligning Of my words and actions to become one and the same Because I guess my pride still gets in the way And I know one day there will be a time When all this talk becomes streamlined with my mind And actions start to materialize While my filter starts to desensitize
For example It’s the times when instead of casually saying good-bye to you I would normally seem like I’d be ok And I could handle myself when you’re away Like “Take care of yourself……you too……I’ll see you again someday” I would then instantly Honestly and genuinely Look into your eyes and say And admit that yes… I…WILL…miss…you I truly and already do And I’d smile...gently and flirtatiously Look into your eyes And unmask the softness in your disguise As you reciprocate to reply I. Will. Miss. You. Too. We would grasp our hands Clasp onto and lace our fingers And we would embrace And allow it to linger……………………………………… Delay our release Because my non-filter Garners no apologies To never regret and miss these opportunities Versus an alternate reality Where my filter would alternately just hesitate and let it be
But wait……………… Maybe I’m just subconsciously speaking Maybe realizing And perhaps rationalizing that I personally Would rather us just positively Mean what we say, And say what we mean Wouldn’t it be easier that way? From the very beginning Without hesitating And thinking about whether or not we’re filtering Our emotions Because wouldn’t it all just be preconceived notions Trying to fight its way to the surface I mean If we are who we say we are And be who we say we’ll be In favorable times and also in times of need There should be no need for a series of contrived happenings It should all just come naturally Simply From the heart And it should translate in our actions so effortlessly I don’t know, maybe I should start To question why I NEED to have filters Or why I need to redefine them so relevantly I just want to do whatever is necessary To become unforgettable, see Possibly It’s because I feel you slipping away from me And this is my mind trying to re-enact moments Where I could have done or said things a little differently
Well, I just hope that whatever the case maybe Filter or no filter That we continue to strive to do from our heart Speak with our mind Connect with our soul From start to demise Whenever we begin to toe the line Let it not be a question on whether or not we used our filters Whether we did enough to paint that perfect picture But rather It’s how we let these moments define us And the way we endure To write our scripture
For the past couple days now, I've been as sick as a dog. It couldn't have come at a worse time because I'm on call this week. My job has this rotating shift that about once a month, I'm given the "privilege" of working 1-9pm AND having the 24 hour emergency phones for assisting corporate clients. Needless to say, there was no way for me to call in sick, or switch shifts with anyone. The only solution was to work from home, so as not to contaminate any of my co-workers and spread around my germy germs around the office.
Yesterday morning, as I was laying in bed (sleepless might I add), I got to thinking that yes, I could see why I had come down with this cold. I've been stressed out lately with work and dealing with a few personal issues that I'm finding hard to shake. And every time I get bogged down with these kinds of stresses, it only becomes a matter of time before I catch something. So, as I was feeling sorry for myself (lol), I managed to fall in and out of a light sleep.
What happened next was quite surprising. Every once in a while, my mom comes by my house to visit my 2 boys. She does this especially during this past summer vacation, to keep them company and to take them out for a walk at the park across the street. So, it was no surprise to hear her stroll into my house. But usually, she gives me my space. We chat for a bit, maybe have some lunch and then she leaves. Well, today, instead of giving me my space, she slowly enters my room, sees me wrapped up from head to toe in my blanket with my hoodie on (because it's freezing cold in my world, whereas it's still 22C outside) and asks me, "What's wrong with my baby?"
I don't know what it is, but here I was, a sick 32-year-old woman, feeling like I was 5 years old again, instantly feeling comforted by the soothing sounds of my mother's voice. She then puts her icy cold hand on my head to feel my temperature and lastly, kisses my forehead, as if to make everything seem better.
Now, I don't care how old you are, but those kinds of gestures can make my self-pitying 32-year-old ass turn around and instantly get out of my rut! There's something about a mother's touch--whether she knows what's going on with you or not, she knows when to say and do the right things to make you feel better. And there are absolutely no words to fully express my gratitude for her being there at the right time. All I could say were the unjustly words, "thanks mom". Then she let me take a short nap before getting up just before 1pm to start pounding away on my computer at home for work.
As much as moments like the one I described can take you back to your childhood, at the same time, it speaks volumes. It's comforting. After I woke up from my nap, and eating a light lunch, I started plugging away at work for what seemed like an hour or so. I started to notice something quite profound. My mother started to just randomly do chores around my house; chores that weren't really necessary, such as trying to wash and scrape off the charred, baked on "stuff" on the small toaster-oven baking sheet, for example. To you and I, it could easily be remedied my going out and buying a new baking sheet, or for the more lazy approach, covering the sheet with aluminum foil if ever you needed to use it. (Ha ha)
But no, my mother viewed it as just something to do, perhaps. The reason I saw this as profound, was because I have vivid memories of my late grandmother doing the EXACT same thing while she came to stay with us from Winnipeg (or the Philippines depending on the time of year). My mother would be doing her own thing having a moment to herself, while I was doing the same thing then as I was doing now--noticing. Noticing my mother do the same things that my grandmother used to do kind of made me think. And again, I felt comforted by that very simple act. I really have no rhyme or reason as to what this could all mean. Or why I saw it as profound. But I would rather not analyze, to be honest. It just speaks to me, that's all. Possibly, it's a sign of the times because that could very well be me 20/30/40 years from now. It could also mean that maybe I'm also sensing my grandmother's presence as well during my down-trodden phase. Who knows.
All I know, is that once in a while, you need to look around you, appreciate those little gestures of caring that only a mother, or grandmother can give. It just amazes me how the maternal instinct works. Like I said, whatever you might be going through, and how far deep you're into it, mothers seem to know when to come around and say "it's okay". And that's all that needs to be said. No pretense. No explanations. Those two words, and even just their presence, are more than enough for me to make me feel better. To make me get out of my personal unfavorable phase. (Or at least after this Benelin wears off). :)
Last week, I was asked by my best friend to be a bridesmaid for her wedding next August. Naturally, I was excited and honored...so, of course, I said yes!
Then... She asked me if I could do her wedding invitations. (Well, more like, she "told" me. Ha ha.) Now, mind you, card crafting is more of a hobby to me. I've never really tried to venture out into selling my cards. Aside from the one-off occasion during Christmas where people actually wanted to buy my cards...and I couldn't say no to making an extra dolla on the side. :) But other than that, it's merely a casual hobby.
But nevertheless, I would do anything for my girl, so, I am definitely up for the challenge! She sent me some websites and links to the types of styles she was interested in. And instantly, I got inspired. These are just some derived sketches based on the images she sent me.
And the following night, I made these mock invites. Obviously, not the finished product, since there's still talk of different themes/colours and such, but you'll get the idea.
Very simple, and streamlined...which makes for an easy template to work with.
Surprisingly, these weren't too difficult to make. And I actually enjoyed making them; getting back into my card crafting mentality. However, I'm bracing myself now when I find out how many invites I will need to make in the not-too-distant future! Lord help me...lol!
Why is it That when we are faced with The sudden disconnection Disruption and discontinuity From someone regarded With such loving esteem Who is magnificent and significant That penetrates to the very core of your being That only then we belatedly see The gravity of their personality The uniqueness of their complexity The rarity of their identity The deepness of their company But in hindsight And cruel unforgiving honesty I should have seen this coming So I’ve tried to prepare my mind Lessen my pride And soothe my bruised identity By recognizing the signs To next time seize moments that May have otherwise seemed fleeting Because somehow Our intentions were Unintentionally miscommunicated I should have patiently waited Chilled out Subsided and listened to your call And cool calm cadence I should have been respondent To our realities Instead of feeding into Unrealistic fantasies That somehow got to the best of our senses I should not have questioned What it meant to be in your presence While you should not have tested The worth within my essence So fair enough, I can’t lie We share a fair amount of grievance I should not have Wasted time Analyzing and furiously desensitizing An isolated incidence Because in the absence of your presence I’m now forced to ignore predominant traces Of your prevalence You ran so frequent though many an instance And influenced deep sentiments And longful pretenses I’m now faced with relegating you as an acquaintance And have struggled to find subsistence To an otherwise inherent and intrinsic existence I should have relished more In our concrete experience Because all I’m searching for Is cognizance towards perseverance
See I could have gone back to the very beginning I could find reasons for our randomly pleasant And one-off chance meeting And dissect each and every word Every sentence Action and reaction With a fine toothed comb But I’m slowly learning to not enter into that mode I should not query on what is already truly gold But simultaneously Concerning you I should not speculate and claim to know What I do not control What I should continue to do Is recognize and own The part in which I had to play in this role However Wishfully thinking… If ever we come across another moment Between us both Know that we should take it for what it truly is And what it’s here for We should not deny our need for companionship And not let it take over And impede our self-growth We should take what we instinctually And intimately know About us and each other And raise it Appreciate it Watch it Sit upon that throne So that we won’t ever forget How dangerously close We were to losing it Because unfortunately Not many people come across Moments like those The rare chance to grasp it Atone for it and transpose Ironically I yearn for it I aspire to capture it If ever that moment arose But for the time being Naturally I at least have the chance to express it Through my therapeutic And poetic prose It’s my only answer and comfort To the question originally posed Why is it
...I joined Twitter!......lol. It took a while for the convincing to kick in (most especially from my sis-in law). :D But, I bit the bullet! And I've finally arrived!
My main motivation to open up a Twitter account was to start getting more involved with the local poetry community in Vancouver. For those of you who already know, poetry/writing is my first love. And I've been really wanting to push my boundaries in attempts to find different inspiration and creativity for my poems.
So voila! I thought this would be the quickest and simplest way to do so. And I have to admit, I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of energy I can draw from this, as well, getting excited as to what wonderful poets and artists are out there!
So come and find me: @j_poetry I'm still in the skeleton stages of set-up...so bear with me while I slowly start making it pretty like this here beloved blog of mine. LOL
Looking forward to this new step in self-discovery.
Sure, I have my fears. It can hinder my progress. Or drive me to face it and conquer it. Either way, I have to acknowledge it's there. It exists. There are some fears: -I still struggle with. -I've allowed to dictate my actions. -I've let take over and cloud my judgement. (This can stem from a lot of things. Everything from wanting to be accepted to not wanting to be alone, and all things in between) -I've found are profoundly personal. -I've also found are genuinely universal. -I choose not to face (for whatever reason--the "I'm not ready" excuse). -I've conquered (not without much adversity and hardship).
Being fearless is a constant work in progress. A constant examination of self, conscience, character, individuality, identity. Being fearless might be desirable to some. However, for me, not having enough fear can impede inspiration. I'm still trying to figure out and find this fine balance.
"Fear only has as much power as we give it space." - Josh Ritter
Every now and then, I know that for myself, I tend to look back at my life and wonder certain things. How did I get to a certain situation or circumstance (albeit professionally and/or personally), what kind of conscious decisions have I made that directly affect my position in life, and what kind of people I surround and associate myself that help create an intended outcome (simply to aid or complement the way I want to have myself be put out there).
Mind you, sometimes these situations/decisions/personalities can be a source of minor frustration. However, the vast majority of these instances where I tend to look back at things, I am just merely being thankful. Being thankful that regardless of it having a negative or positive impact on me, there certainly is a reason behind the things, places and people we have in our life. Our only goal in life is to simply recognize and appreciate them to the greatest most possible degree.
All of the above came to mind when I read this quote.
"When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. "
Today is a breezy sunny summer day, perfect for walks downtown, by the beach or just sitting at the park reading a good book or listening to some good music. I came across this quote, that I thought would be nice to share...since I'm all about sharing....(lol)....
"Our capacity to love is not limited; time is a constraint and so is energy, but love that makes your life better gives you more of what you need." -Amy Bloom
Hope you enjoy your breezy sunny summer day as much as I am!
If I Give U Me Would you receive me? Allow me Or Give me permission to be in your midst To enter into your compass Be within your reach Come into your view Cross the threshold of your consciousness Assimilate into your presence Become part of your vocabulary Entertain your masculinity Feel the sensitivity of your skin The density of your being
If I Give U Me I could heighten your disposition Revive your mind set Take your burdens and stresses All the tension I would lessen I could set off a realization An awareness within your essence I am not here to take away what you already know About yourself and change it Turn you into somebody that you can hardly identify with No I am too complacent with your common sense Your place, your spirit and yes, even your scent Gain status in my heart and create strong sentiment to simple things Yes, I replay it Every conversation in my head Every smile that comes to my face Every beat pounding out of my chest And every void that you seem to have filled in my space You give me no other way to convey it You present yourself so real So unadulterated People like you are so rare to find and So underrated So underestimated Elevated is my mind every time we communicate Elated by the mere presence of your station And yes it’s true You never instigate any cause for complications We are Two personalities both one and the same You authenticate all that is real and true for me And I promise that If I Give U Me That I swear I would do the same
Give Me U And trust that it won’t all be in vain Let me enter into your circle Flow into your respected space Create want for your desire Hold you down when you need to maintain Put aside Our restlessness Further engage Our oneness